


Rivers, Trains, and Love Lost

by Jessah82



Category: Unstoppable (2010)
Genre: F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Post-Divorce, Young Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-29 01:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3877648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessah82/pseuds/Jessah82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Will Colson and Frank Barnes managed to stop 777 from decimating entire populations in Southern Pennsylvania, they were hailed as heroes.  But there was one life lost amid the chaos that was never acknowledged -- that of engineer Judd Stewart.  Not many people knew Judd's story... but it was one his ex-wife, Suzi, would never forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Freight Train

**Author's Note:**

> Hi All! This is a tribute to the late Judd Stewart from Unstoppable. I never liked how the loss of Frank's good friend and this simple, determined (and at times a little disgruntled) engineer was completely overlooked in the end. I always felt he needed for his story to be told. So this is my humble attempt at making it right for the character. ^^ 
> 
> I name each of my chapters after a song that is relevant to Suzi and Judd. This chapter's is, appropriately, Freight Train by Sara Jackson-Holman.

_Not even a casket.  They’re carrying nothing._

Suzanne Stewart had this one thought repeatedly as she watched the short locomotive procession roll to a stop after having made its way slowly along the stretch of track from Fuller Yard to Brewster in the drizzling rain.  The act was in honor of Judd, of course, who always said he wanted his “last ride” to be on a train.

 Well, it had been – and for that, what was happening now felt like a big joke.  After Judd’s actual last train ride, the medical examiner couldn’t even distinguish his ashes from the rubble of the train he’d attempted to lash up to the runaway 777.   

And what would he have to say about all of this now?  Had he realized he could die when he stepped into the cab of that last train?  Had he known what was happening when the right side of the locomotive came up off the tracks during that last minute of his life and likely jarred him across the cab? 

 _Did he feel himself burn?_   This last thought caused Suzi to swallow to keep back the bile.  Her experience as an ER nurse did her no favors when it came to assessing how much her ex-husband had likely suffered.  She quickly brought her fingers to her temples, massaging hard in an attempt to crush the thought that had visited her so often these last few days.

“Suzi…” she felt Frank Barnes’ arm across her shoulders.  “You gonna be alright?  Do you need to take a break…?”  His gentleness nearly evoked the sob she’d been holding back the whole day, but she shook her head quickly, knowing his suggestion wouldn’t suit. 

She kept the thoughts, and all other words, to herself during the long walk to the cemetery.  Frank didn’t leave her side, and seemed to realize she didn’t want to talk.  His steady presence was the only thing she could lean on.

The words said by her pastor were a blur.  She clutched onto the small box she held in her hands as he droned on, realizing that, really, her pastor didn’t know Judd.  None of these people here knew him.  He had never been a man easily known.  But when she buried this box today, she would bury the things about her ex-husband that defined him – the things she knew, and maybe Frank.  It was the least she could do.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

“Suzi, you shouldn’t do this alone.  I’ll stay here with you.  We’ll let all these other people leave, and it’ll just be you and me.  I can even walk to the other side of the cemetery if you want me to, give you time alone… but I’m not leaving you here.”

Frank was insistent as the small crowd of mourners began to thin, leaving Suzi and him alone beside the small hole she had paid the funeral home to dig.  Not much space was needed – only enough for what she now held in her hands.

 

“Frank, I’m a big girl,” Suzi finally spoke.  “You can go.  I just really need to do this myself.”

Perhaps sensing her fragility, Frank stared at her for a long time.  “Thing is, Suzi…” he finally spoke, shifting his weight into what she could tell was a more defiant stance.  “Judd was my best friend.  And I gotta do what he would want me to do.  Right now, that means—“

Suzi let slip an unrefined snort at his words, causing Frank’s expression to melt into something softer, something almost hurt. 

“Frank, come on.  We both know Judd wouldn’t have a clue what for you to do with me.  Judd cared about trains.  That’s what he lived and breathed.  Everything else was an aside, so let’s just… keep it real here.”  Suzi found the angry words spilling out of her mouth before she could stop them.  In all honesty, she hadn’t even realized they were bubbling there in her heart until she actually spoke.

Frank shook his head.  “Suzi… no.  Come on.  Judd was a complicated man, we know that.”

“Oh,” she let out a bitter laugh.  “There was absolutely nothing complicated about Judd Stewart.  You of all people should know that, we both should.” 

Frank stared at her.  He stared for so long, in fact, that Suzi had to turn her face away, as it burned beneath his gaze with shame and embarrassment.  A well put-together woman like her had no place speaking ill of the dead, let alone her own ex-husband, in front of anyone else.  

Finally, he turned toward the back of the cemetery.  “I’ll go for a walk.  You’re not in any place for us to talk about this, Suzi.  I’ll be back in a few minutes, you go on now and take your time.” 

With that, he moved away from her. 

Sighing, Suzi turned to face the empty “grave.”  She knew Frank was hurting over this, too.  She’d had no right to take out her frustration on him.  And really… where was her frustration coming from, anyway?  She and Judd had been split for five years now.  She should have dealt already with these emotions.  All that should be left was grief and sorrow.  That’s all she thought she had room for, until now.

Judd may not have been complicated, but she sure was.

Not minding the wet grass, Suzi knelt in front of the gaping hole in the ground.  She placed the box  -- filled with the things that reminded her of Judd -- over it, ready to let it fall into the grave.  She had taped it so the lid wouldn’t pop off during the fall, or when it hit the earth. 

Just when she was about to let go, she decided it may need to be turned slightly so it fell neatly on its bottom.  No, that wouldn’t do… she turned it again.  Before she knew it, Suzi had spent almost an entire minute positioning and repositioning the cardboard box for its fall.  She frankly couldn’t understand why she was being so particular.

 _Just let it go_ , she chided herself.  _It’s about to be buried in dirt anyhow._

But that’s when she noticed the tape was loose on one side.  Sighing in frustration, she pulled it back and began fumbling with the tape.  She hadn’t looked at this box’s contents in over two years, and she certainly didn’t want to see them now, spilled at the bottom of the grave.

“I know I taped this right this morning,” she mumbled, smoothing her finger over the loose piece that stubbornly refused to stick to the cardboard.  It was then that she realized why the tape wasn’t sticking:  it had already been pulled loose by something that was poking up in the box, causing that side of the lid to not come down all the way. 

Frowning, she tried to just reach her hand into the narrow opening at the top of the box to push down whatever it was that was in the way.  The minute her fingers brushed against the item, however, she not only knew what it was, she felt her heart catch.


	2. Can't Fight This Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After re-discovering the first item in the box, Suzi is transported to those early, summer days of being young and discovering love for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I couldn't decide whether to have my song titles be mood-relevant or era-relevant. For today, I'm going with era-relevance. 
> 
> Check out my tumblr page for this story if you feel like it! I have their faceclaims and some other stuff.
> 
> http://riverstrainsandlovelost.tumblr.com/meetthedetails

_**Summer, 1985** _

Suzanne March stood in line with her fellow student nurses at the local rail yard.  Standing as straight as possible with her nurse whites gleaming against the grimy interior of the break area, she felt that surely her expression alone would keep the railroad employees from flirting or making unappreciated comments.  Her Uncle Dan had worked on the railroad, and she knew just how obscene a group of men working together could be.  But doing a free health screening for Allegheny West Virginia Railroad employees was not an optional activity; it was a clinical experience her nursing instructor mandated to pass the term.  Truth be told, it was a pretty simple thing – taking blood pressures and checking heartrates, doing low-level bloodwork.  But the idea of being in such a place caused her some anxiety.  She had her uncle’s stories to thank for that, and she’d always heard that her curvy frame was likely to bring on all kinds of unwanted attention.

Separating into three lines alongside the other students, Suzi began taking blood pressures of the men filing through her queue, attempting to be as polite as possible yet not making lingering eye contact with any of them.   “Alright, everything looks very good.  Your blood pressure is one hundred twenty over seventy eight,” she gave a quick smile.  “You can move along to the pulse and respiration line.  Take care.”  Handing the clipboard to the older gentlemen she had just attended, Suzi turned toward her next charge. A young man with golden brown hair stood, shifting his weight restlessly as he held his own clipboard.  Taking it, Suzi read, “Judd Stewart.  You’re twenty-four years old…” she scanned the flow chart.  “Alright, have a seat.”

The young man slunk into a chair and held out his arm, smiling up at her.  She gave a brief smile back, but kept her eyes focused on rolling the sleeve of his flannel shirt up.

“…So I’m Judd.”

Suzi wrapped the cuff above his elbow.  “I know, we just established that.  Judd Stewart,” she replied.

She could feel his eyes on her as he continued.  “Who’re you?  Oh…” she could tell out of her periphery that he was tilting his head to read her name tag.  “Suzanne.” 

Flushing under his gaze and trying to get this over with, Suzi listened to the measurements quickly and scrawled them down on the chart. 

“… You go by anything else?  Maybe like Suzi?”

“Not really.”  She unstrapped the cuff.

“Yeah, I’m gonna call you Suzi.”

Letting out a small smirk, Suzi looked up at him.  “Okay, you do that.”  After all, she might be in contact with him for another five seconds. 

“Was my blood pressure high?”

Realizing she had been a little too distracted by the young man’s attention to have let his numbers register, Suzi glanced back at the chart.  “… It is, a little,” she frowned. 

“Want to try it again?  Maybe the other side?” he was already rolling up his other sleeve.

“I don’t think that’s going to matter, Mr. Stewart, if it’s high, it’s high.  It isn’t too far out of range, though, so that’s good.  The head nurse just down that way will give you a sheet with pointers on how to lower—“

“Well… thing is, I know it’s high.  It’s been high since I saw you come in here, Suzi.”  He continued to smile as he emphasized the name he'd elected to call her.  “I coulda told you that.”

Suzi looked up at him for a second, not terribly surprised at his flirtation, but pretty taken aback by the blueness of his eyes.  They bore a certain light-hearted warmth that made her look away quickly.  “She’ll probably talk to you about your daily activities.  You’re too young to need medication just yet, but—“

“—But, maybe if you just say you’ll go out with me one time, I can stop being so nervous, and it’ll work itself out.”

Suzi stammered for a moment, blindsided by his forwardness.  “I’m… I’m sorry, but no.  I’m just here for clinical, and… to help you monitor your health, Sir.”  She was working extra hard at keeping a professional tone.

“One date.  Just one, and if you still don’t like me, that’s okay.  ‘Cause I can tell you don’t really like me now, and… I get it, but what’s the harm just going out somewhere and having some fun?”  He still sat with both sleeves rolled up, like he had nowhere else to go.

Suzi sat still a moment, then chided herself for taking that time to think about it.  She didn’t know a thing about this guy, she had sworn off ever dating anyone from the railroad, or anybody for that matter, because it was terrible timing.  Nursing exams were in one month.

 

But he was so sincere, so confident.  He had nice eyes, and all throughout the exchange, he’d kept his eyes on her face – at least when she was looking, which was better than many of the other men had done to her and the other girls.  So… maybe if just to move him on down the line…

“O-Okay.  Okay fine,” she spoke hastily, cheeks burning.  “One date.”  She hesitated, feeling awkward as she realized he might need her number and she had nothing to write it down on.  Refreshing his smile, he held out the back of his hand.

“What…?”

“Just write it there.  Trust me, that way I won’t lose it.  You know… your number.”

The student at the beginning of the next line had run out of men, and was looking over at Suzi imploringly. 

Hoping this was discreet enough, she leaned down and scribbled her number on the back of this fool’s hand.  She still wasn’t sure at this point that she didn’t want him to wash it off by accident.

No such luck, however – Judd called her that very night.  Their first date was two nights later at the drive-in A&W.  Judd, she discovered to her surprise, talked to her as though he knew her already – about his dad, and how much getting a job on the railroad had meant to him; about his plans to move up the company ladder; about rail cars and engines; and finally about his good buddy, Frank, who had been good to welcome him onto the line after having started AWVR himself about two years prior. 

Unless you had family that worked in the railroad, it could be difficult to break in.  Judd’s father and uncle had worked AWVR, and that had given him a small opening, but the company seemed to care a lot less for family ties than other, older railway lines did.  Judd had had to prove himself on his own when being hired into the company the year before as a brakeman.

“People don’t really understand the politics of the railroad,” he told her.  “It’s kind of its own world, with its own rules.  You know?”

Having grown up in a railroad town as she did, she understood this much – particularly given what she’d learned from her uncle.  He was the one who had followed his own father onto the railroad, leaving his brother, her father, as the “odd one” who preferred books and accounting over the blue collar railroad work.  As a result of that, and of her uncle’s reckless, wild ape behavior, her father had used every opportunity to blame railroading and the transient lifestyle it provided as the source of all instability in the town.  She herself had grown up with such prejudice, though she attempted to break it down in regards to Judd. 

He talked about a lot of things, that was for sure, but he also asked Suzi a lot of questions about her life, and listened to her answers.  It wasn’t at all bad, and Suzi thought she might just go back out with him some time.

“Some time” came only three days later when Judd showed up at her doorstep again. 

“Suzanne?” her dad came to knock on her bedroom door.  “That Stewart boy, here to see you again.” 

Suzi stood quickly, surprised Judd would just show up like this so soon.  But part of her felt smug satisfaction at the idea that it rankled her dad so much that she was talking to a guy from the railroad.  For too long, he had assumed Suzi was set to follow the exact life plan he’d laid out for her.  Judd’s new presence was stalling that a bit, and she could be thankful to him for that if nothing else.

“Hey,” she greeted him quickly in the foyer as she made her way briskly down the stairs.  Judd was a nice guy, and she wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but she didn’t want him to get the wrong idea this quickly.  “What’s up?”  She paused on the bottom stair, regarding him politely, yet hopefully sounding distracted enough to give him the message she wasn’t interested in a date tonight.

“Hey!” he cheerfully replied.  “Not a lot, just got in from Stanton.  But it’s just a little windy, and… I wanted to show you something.”

Suzi blinked.  “…What?”  What did the wind have to do with anything whatsoever?

“Down by the lake.  There’s… something I want you to do with me.”

Suzi stared at him a moment before narrowing her eyes, opening her mouth to speak.

“No no, nothing like… that,” she detected a flush to his cheeks as he lowered his voice and looked around, most likely for her dad.  “… It’s hard to explain, will you just come out for a little while?  I won’t keep you out long, I promise.”

Now Suzi had always been a sensible girl.  She had always held the upper hand with the men she’d dated in high school and college, and if truth be told, that could be kind of boring.  She had always prided herself on knowing just what to expect out of a guy’s next move.  But Judd Stewart?  He was a total anomaly.  And it pricked her insides enough to make her ticklish.  So she tilted her head.

“You promise to have me back in thirty minutes, and maybe.”

“An hour.”

She cut her eyes to him again, but gave a smirk.

“Forty-five minutes?”

“Okay.  Let me grab my jacket.”

Judd drove her down to the lake then, parking under a tree, and jumping out of his truck quickly to come open the door for her.  It was a charming little gesture she’d heard about, but had never seen her dad do for her mom.  She let him have his chivalry and jumped down as well, wrapping her arms about her as he took something out of a small box in the back.  She walked over to see what they were.

Boats.  Made out of tin foil.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” she turned her eyes to him, breaking out into a chuckle.  “What are we going to do, race them?”

“Yup,” he handed her one.  “Come on, I used to do this when I was a kid!  And I’ve not had anyone to do it with in a long time, so… humor me?”

His eyes gleamed as the breeze picked up a little.  The moment was drawing her in somehow in a way she never would have guessed as she took a tin foil boat.  “I want you to know this is the weirdest date I’ve ever been on.”

“Oh!  Okay, so this gets to be another 'date?'” he playfully bumped into her side as they walked toward the stream, leading to the mouth of the river. 

“We’ll see how it goes, then we’ll define it,” Suzi replied, giving him a return bump before trailing away to get on her knees next to the water.  “Where do we start?”

“Right there, where you are.”  He nimbly jumped a couple rocks over to where he was standing across the small stream from her, and got on his stomach to put his boat down, eye level as though giving this great focus.  “And when we used to do this?  Whoever won got to ask for something.”

“Oh, okay, so now I see why we’re doing this,” Suzi laughed.  “You want to kiss me.  Is that what this is for?”

Judd’s eyes widened a second in surprise as he paused.

“I can tell you want to,” she smiled, feeling not at all adverse to the idea, as she stared across the stream at him.  “And you were trying to be creative about it.”

“… Okay, then, yeah.  That’s what I would have asked for,” Judd finally relented, chuckling nervously.  “You weren’t supposed to guess, though, until I could deliver the line perfectly.”

Suzi shook her head.  “You do realize we’ve only been on one date.  And… even though you’ve already told me a lot about yourself, I’m not so sure I’m ready to let you have this so easily.  So… we’ll revisit this whole thing, IF you win.  And if I win…” she stopped to think a moment.  “… then you get to buy me a Coke Float from the A&W again, and then take me home.”

The disappointment flashed on his face for more than a split-second, but Judd recovered quickly, grinning smugly.  “Okay, fair enough.”

And so, they let the boats go, watching the flecks of metal, made shiny by the moonlight, meander this way and that in the breeze-tossed stream.  She had to say, it was impressive how he managed to make boats out of tin foil that actually went somewhere.

Suzi found herself interested to see who was going to win this thing, and crawled slowly beside her boat, only half-realizing what a twenty-one year old must look like on her hands and knees in the grass like a kid.  Just as they left her sight, however, Judd jumped up and ran down to where the brook emptied into the river, and snatched the boats out of the water.

“Hey, I didn’t get to see who won!” she protested, pulling herself upright finally.

“Do you trust me?”

She laughed.  “NO.”

“Well… what kind of idiot would I be to tell you you won…” he jumped across the rocks again to her side of the brook, presenting her with her boat, “…when it would’ve suited my purposes to lie and tell you I did.”

“I won?”

He nodded, giving her a resigned half-smile.  “Yeah… it was you.”

Suzi watched his face for what felt like a long time before playfully slapping his arm.  “Rematch, then.  Let’s see who can get the most out of three.”

Three races turned into five, and Suzi began to realize the issue was that she wanted him to win.  Judd had been creative and a little romantic, and had worked for this kiss.  And she realized she didn’t mind at all to give it to him.

But just to keep up appearances, she tried to mask the fun she was having as rematching him again and again for the sake of winning.

“Gosh, you’re competitive!” he laughed when they finally made it through five rounds.  He sat down next to her on the bank, surprisingly good-spirited to have lost to her four times.  “So does this mean I owe you four Coke floats now?”

“No…” she smiled, warmed by his closeness.  “It means I changed my mind about what I want.  And you owe me… _maybe_ four kisses.”

Judd stared at her as his brow began to lift in shock.  “You… I thought you said this was… you know, too early and you weren’t into it…”

“I wasn’t then,” Suzi answered matter-of-factly, “but I changed my mind.  So… kiss me.  Just once for now,” she chuckled as he was already leaning in toward her.  “We’ll spread the other three out.”

And so, he did.  He gave her a deep, lusty kiss, and one she finally had to pull back from.  “I had fun,” she told him as they broke it off.  She began to get up, giving him one quick peck on the cheek.  “Really.  Who knew a girl could enjoy racing tin foil boats at night?”

Before he could say anything else, she headed back toward his truck.

That night was Suzi’s first glimpse of what dating Judd Stewart might truly be like, and she was pretty eager to continue it.  They began seeing one another at least three nights a week, sometimes more if he wasn’t working.  The forward, persistent guy she had committed to just one date with at first turned out to be the first person she thought of in the mornings when she woke up.  She found herself pining after him more than a little when he was off on long hauls with AWVR, and when they were together again, they were never bored.  Being something of a city girl, Suzi had always preferred to drive to Stanton for dates.  But Judd loved their hometown, and could always be counted upon to invent the craziest things for them to do together.  They soon began to have rituals; every night when he would come in from a haul, he brought over her favorite ice cream and they would lie on a blanket out on her balcony and eat it together.  When nursing exams came, he faithfully stayed by her side to help her study for them.  Soon after she graduated from nursing school, he decided he wanted to study up to be promoted to a conductor, and Suzi returned the favor.  Doing life with him was far more fun and companionable than it had been not only with other guys she’d dated, but even with her own aloof family. 

But there was something about being on her guard that Suzi had come to thrive on and need in her twenty-one years.  When it came to men, in particular, she always felt she had to protect herself first and foremost and give only what was left to whomever was in her life.  It was something she hated about herself, but didn’t know the first thing about how to change, or even why she was that way.

That’s why she had no idea what to say when Judd finally gathered his nerves and told her outright that he loved her, almost six months to the date of their boat race. 

It warmed her heart.  It gave the world color, and it gave wings to her very spirit.  But she could not respond.  Not the way she knew he wanted her to, not the way _she_ wanted to. 

He waited for a moment, but when no words came, he pulled to look at her directly.  “Suzi, I’m not your dad.  When I say that I give a d*mn about you, I actually do.”

Something about his ability to identify the problem, even when she couldn’t, spoke to her that day.  And even though she still couldn’t respond to him with the same phrase, she felt like, with that statement, she’d come just a little closer.

He let the matter go, even though he didn’t make things awkward by saying it again for almost another month.  It was when he took her one evening to explore an old decrepit steam engine he’d discovered in the back of Brewster Yard that she was finally able to put words to what she had felt for so long. 

“Not my idea of a way to spend a Saturday, Judd,” she joked, as he lead her into the dusty cab. 

“Yeah, I know,” he replied distractedly.  “But maybe you’ll learn something you didn’t know.”

She rolled her eyes playfully and took a few steps toward the back, before hearing a slight chirping sound.  Taking a few more steps toward the corner, she bent down to hear better.  Was it a bird’s nest? 

“Suzi, what are you doing?  Don’t go back in these corners,” he was immediately behind her.  “There could be snakes and who knows what else—“

But he stopped immediately as she lifted the corner of a tarp.  There on the ground in front of them was about four kittens tangled together, nursing from a mother cat who stared back up at them tensely. 

“Oh.  Oh wow,” she heard him murmur over her shoulder.  “Cats…”

Suzi smiled and reached her hand out tentatively to the mother cat.  “Guess someone else decided to check this old thing out before you did, huh?”

“Guess so,” he knelt down beside her.  “I wonder if she’ll let us pick one of them up.”

Suzi turned and gave a curious look to Judd.  “Are you serious?  Somehow I never saw you being a cat person.”

“Me either,” he chuckled.  “But just look at them.” 

The mother cat did let Suzi pet her, and after a moment, she let Judd pick up a gray kitten. 

“She must be somebody’s pet,” Suzi remarked.  “She doesn’t seem wild.” 

“Not at all,” he cradled the little kitten in a way that seemed so alien to his character, yet so adorable at the same time.  “I think you’re wilder.”  He looked up at her and grinned.

That’s when the words suddenly formed, and not only formed, but fell out of her mouth in a tumble.  “Judd Stewart, I love you.”

His eyes widened as he seemed to study her face to be sure she meant it. 

“Really.”

Calmly, he turned to put the kitten back down in its litter, and then stood up, pulling her to her feet and into a passionate embrace.

That was officially the end of all Suzi’s doubts.

Within the year, they had been married out by that very lake, in a quiet ceremony with a few friends and Judd’s dad and brother.  Her own father had refused to attend in his own passive-aggressive way, by having booked an anniversary cruise for he and Suzi’s mom for the very same weekend.  It was no surprise to her, since he approved of neither the groom nor the “classless” wedding she had chosen over the society fanfare he’d expected her to make.  She knew her dad well enough to realize he wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to make Judd look like a backwater idiot if at all possible, so she had decided to do things her way.

Years later, when Suzi closed her eyes, she could still smell the shaving soap Judd had used that day, still feel him playfully tugging at the bow on the back of her simple dress as they had left for the car after the small reception.  John Mellencamp played on the radio as they had driven away for a New York honeymoon.  Frank Barnes and a few of the other guys from the rail yard sent up a round of whoops and whistles as empty beer cans tinkered against the gravel they were dragged across from the back of Judd’s truck.

Spring had turned to summer in their lives.  Suzi expected it would stay there forever, and it did stay for quite awhile. 

 


	3. Say Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzi revisits the loss that began to take them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me guys, I KNOW it gets really sad here. But trust the process :) One of my biggest purposes in writing this story is to show how everything can go wrong, yet it can still be made right in all the ways that paint a beautiful picture in the end. Isn't that what so much of life is about?
> 
> The song inspiration for this chapter is Say Something by A Great Big World.

Suzi stared down at the aluminum boat in her hands, tarnished since that night at the river so long ago.  Before she had realized it, she had taken it out of the box, not even bothering with the carefully placed tape anymore. 

Her hands began to tremble slightly, so she quickly put the boat back into the box.  For all of that early romance and happiness, it had gotten them nowhere.  Young people could be idiots -- they had no idea the kinds of things that could happen to people.  Awful things that bled the joy right out of you.  She and Judd didn’t believe in anything coming between “true love” back then.  Maybe if they had…

… Then it wouldn’t have hurt so badly and come as such a surprise when devastation splintered both their hearts into a million pieces.

Suzi stared at the next item for several minutes before she dared to touch it.  She had kept all of the “other things”… but Judd deserved this in his box.  It was fairness that bid her to put it in here with these things after the divorce.  He was Ezra’s daddy, after all.

Finally, she brought a finger up to trace the shiny green edge of the little toy train that lay there.

* * *

* * *

 

The idea had always been that they would have children – maybe several. 

That’s what Judd had wanted, and she had humored him by letting him believe it would work that way.  In fact, who knew?  Being with Judd made Suzi feel like just about anything was possible, so landing a couple of successful pregnancies didn’t seem so pie-in-the-sky when charged with the energy of their voiced hopes and dreams.

Even though in the back of her mind she had wondered right from the very start if she would be able to carry it off.

 _Endometriosis_.  It was what her doctor had diagnosed her with during her college years, and the pain it rendered her at certain times of the month gave Suzi a pretty good idea that she was ill-conditioned for getting pregnant.  Her doctor had tried to give her hope by saying that a later successful pregnancy might be hard, but it wouldn’t be impossible.

But, even as responsible a girl as Suzi was, she knew from then on that getting knocked up would be a long-shot, which was why she had so easily given in to Judd for the first time under the stars in the grass outside the abandoned train on that heady, exhilarating night she would never forget. 

Throughout the rest of the time they dated, he hadn’t seemed worried a bit about what could come of their frequent steamy rendezvous, probably because he alluded to his plans to marry her right from the second they became serious.  By the time they did get married, there were too many other things to think about and timing for starting the family they’d commented about every so often was just never discussed.

It was two years into their marriage before Judd finally came out and asked her that, if they weren’t doing anything to keep her from getting pregnant… and had been “uncareful” this long… what did that mean?

“I’m not trying to rush things, Suzi, we got plenty of time.  But, I guess I’m just kind of surprised it hasn’t… already happened by now,” he’d danced around the uncomfortable family planning topic with care one night as they sat on their porch.  She had been waiting to see how long it would take for him to start asking the question, particularly after their recent dinner with Frank and his wife, who had brought over their two little girls.  Judd had been more captivated by the children of his good friend than she’d ever counted on him being.

“Unless you’re doing something you haven’t told me about, and… I’m not bothered by it or anything…” he continued.  “Just, maybe we should talk about when to go...” he shifted a bit, “…see somebody.  Make sure there isn’t anything wrong.”

It was only fair for him to ask, but Suzi balked at the topic, and didn’t give him a satisfactory answer for a couple more months.  She wasn’t quite sure if it was fear that made her not want to tell him she could have reproductive problems – fear of him being frustrated she might not be able to have a child for them – or if it was pride.  But either way, when she finally broke down and gave him the full story, she realized things would’ve been so much easier had she been honest right from the start.  The discussion launched their first big fight.

“And this is why I didn’t want to tell you,” she angrily plunked down the tea pitcher on the table when he went all too quiet at the news. 

“Well I guess I just want to know when you were planning on telling me, Suzi?  I mean am I really that hard of a guy to talk to?” he’d fired back.  “It’s not like we can’t work through it, but… it’s maybe just a little bit important if I always took for granted we were gonna have kids.”

“If we’re supposed to have them, we will, Judd.  That’s how I’ve always handled thinking about it, that’s how I _have_ to handle thinking about it.  So don’t give me a hard time over this.  I mean don’t we have plenty of other things to make our lives special?  We have each other, for one thing.  Can I just… know that I would be enough for you, if?”

As luck would have it, the phone rang right at that moment, calling Judd away to the rail yard for a long haul.  The one difficult part of their railroad family life was that her husband was on call almost every single day, and she never knew at what point he would have to leave and she might not see him for hours or even well over a day. 

But right now?  They needed the space.

And it worked.  When Judd came back, the first thing he did when he came in the door was embrace her and apologize for his attitude about her news.  She accepted it readily, issued her own apology, shed a few tears of relief, and the whole matter was behind them.  They vowed to leave whether or not they would ever have children in fate’s hands for now, and not to let it come between them.

This was the way it worked when you were newlyweds.  And thankfully, Judd kept his end of the promise. 

They made their life together beautiful in all the other ways they cared about.  Except for the unpredictable part of life for a conductor’s wife, Suzi stayed happy and plugged into everything about Judd and his world.  She continued to work her own job as a nurse in the local emergency room, and together, they always had stories to tell each other, friends to go out with, and plenty of moments to enjoy and savor between the two of them. 

Perhaps it was because the pressure faded away that, nearly five years to the day they were married, it happened. 

Suzi always felt afterward that she knew the very moment she became pregnant – it was a rainy morning in Brewster, and Judd was just getting out of the shower to prepare for another long haul when he caught Suzi’s eye.  She hadn’t even realized, as she sat in bed with the blankets pulled up around her snugly, that she was smiling a little while looking out the window at the droplets gathering on the windowpane, twirling a loose comforter string around her finger absently. 

“What is it, you look like you’re keeping some kind of secret,” he chuckled, running a hand through his wet, tousled hair as he went to open a drawer.

“I don’t know, I’m… I just feel different.  In a good way,” she added quickly.  “Don’t ask me why, I just… woke up like this.”

The morning sickness commenced pretty soon after, and at that point, Suzi felt like she needed no more confirmation.  But of course she knew she couldn’t just leave this up to her own hunch.  After a late afternoon doctor’s appointment in which she received the news loud and clear, she made a bee-line for the rail yard.

She had never seen Judd so excited. 

It was a sweet chapter, her pregnancy.  She experienced some of her sickest days, her worst moods, and her biggest body dissatisfactions, but in the end, there was Ezra Dane Stewart.

And everything changed. 

Suddenly, her career wasn’t anywhere near the everything she’d thought it was.  Suddenly, she wanted to get in touch with her parents again.  Suddenly, Judd was starting to protest being called away from all the little moments of their life so much.

Ezra was a blonde-haired bundle of energy and affection.  He had Judd’s deep-set sea blue eyes and Suzi’s own upturned nose.  The ends of his hair soon flipped up in what looked to be the beginnings of curls, another inheritance from Judd.  He was their own perfect miracle.

Ezra’s babyhood was the purest joy Suzi and Judd had ever known, but it was over much too quickly.  Not only that, but soon, working full-time and raising a little one, largely alone during weeks when Judd was out on the train, became pretty stressful for Suzi to manage.  Judd certainly made enough money on his own to support them if Suzi wanted to quit work and stay home, but she was afraid that as much as she loved Ezra, she would feel far too isolated if she left the bustle of the ER altogether.  So she initially chose to gear down to part-time and enroll the toddler in daycare two days a week.

Suzi made it through exactly three weeks of leaving Ezra with someone else before she decided she couldn’t handle it.  Sheepishly, she informed Judd that she put in her notice at the hospital.

“He was bitten today!  BITTEN!  This is the kind of stuff I’m talking about”  Suzi exclaimed, turning the TV off for the night.  “I’m paying these people to make sure this stuff doesn’t happen!”

“I somehow didn’t think that would last long,” Judd laughed over the decision, lying on the couch tiredly one night as he lifted little Ezra up in the air over him to simulate a plane ride before resting the squirming, giggling little boy against him.  “But you do know, kids do bite.  It’s part of the whole deal.  We just need to make sure he knows how to bite back.  Nobody better to teach him that than his Mom.”  His eyes sparkled as he smiled over at Suzi.

She couldn’t help but chuckle.  Suzi knew she was fiery, and Judd was too, in his way.  Ezra’s chances of being docile weren’t very good.

So Suzi became a stay-at-home mom for the next three years.  She had expected it to be boring at the beginning, but it turned out to be anything but.  The more time she spent taking care of Ezra and having fun with him, the more she realized how dull her job had truly been compared to full-time motherhood. 

Around the time Ezra started kindergarten, Judd began to train as an engineer.  Suzi braced for what she assumed would be yet another big distraction for him from their family life, but she soon realized she hadn’t given her husband enough credit.  He worked hard to make his dream of becoming an engineer come true, yet he worked equally as hard to spend enough time with Suzi and Ezra when he was home.  On some nights, he staggered in the door just long enough to get about five hours of sleep before leaving out again.  It was almost physically painful for Suzi to see how exhausted he was, and she did all she could to keep things as calm and predictable as possible at home so that he could truly rest when he got the chance to be there.

If Suzi were to be honest, though, a thin vine of sadness still always snaked its way around her heart each time he left out for a long haul.  She realized then more than ever that in all likelihood – or at least until he had worked long enough to establish seniority and more stable hours – she would never get to see as much of Judd as most other women get to see of their husbands.  Ezra missed him too, and Suzi could tell that nothing was as hard on Judd as leaving out on a trip when Ezra begged him not to go. 

But Judd, in all his creativity, came up with a way to ease the pain of his absence for their son.  He began buying small toy train cars that hooked together, and every night he took a last minute call out, he started presenting Ezra with a new train piece before he left.  Ezra soon learned that with his dad leaving, something good came of it too – he had his own train to take care of.  Suzi never tired of watching the expression on Ezra’s face when he lay in the middle of the living room floor, lining his trains up and pushing them slowly down the toy tracks. 

She also knew it made Judd proud for another reason:  railroad was largely a family business.  Ezra came into the world with Judd already hoping and expecting that one day, any son he might have would work alongside him at AWVR and eventually take his place.  He wanted Ezra to have an appreciation early for the trade he would hopefully inherit. 

But it was not to be.

Ezra played with trains only until he was six years old when they, along with the rest of his toys, were boxed up and hidden from sight.  Family and friends saw to this, as they feared it was the only way Judd and Suzi wouldn’t come completely unglued. 

Just after Ezra’s sixth birthday, he had his first playdate with a little boy named Gavin from his first grade class.  On her way back to the Stewart’s house with both boys in the backseat, Gavin’s mother instinctively swerved to miss a deer and swung the SUV into the path of an oncoming 18-wheeler truck.

“Your son didn’t suffer, Mrs. Stewart.  It was very fast, for all three of them.”  The police officer who came to the door to deliver the news knelt next to Suzi, who lay face-down on the ground, sure she would never be able to move again. 

The next few weeks dragged on in an agonizing slow-motion as Suzi ate Xanax tablets and slept.  The moments in between took her breath away with the pain.  She barely remembered her son’s funeral, or the faces of the people in their lives who came and went to provide food, a clean house, and shoulders to cry on. 

Judd was in shambles.  The rail yard gave him almost a month off for bereavement, but it was barely enough time for him to become functional again.  Suzi was aware, somewhere in the back of her medication- and grief-drugged mind, that they needed each other right now above anything.  But all she seemed to remember of Judd during that time was that he locked himself in the bathroom for almost two entire days after Ezra’s death and sobbed in heavy, guttural noises that Suzi had never heard a human being make before. 

After a couple months, though, all but the very closest friends had drifted back to their own lives.  Judd had been back at work for a little while, but had taken to having way too much alcohol before runs in order to stay sane through the long hours on the tracks.  He came home numb and spent, and fell into bed, where he stayed until the next run.  Suzi was of little help to him, busying herself as best she could by cleaning every inch of the house, rearranging every piece of furniture, and making calls to see if she could get her job back.

“I want to move,” was the first thing she said to Judd that she could actually remember later.  She whispered it in the middle of a long night when she knew he wasn’t asleep either.  “Out of this house.”

All he did was take her hand and give it a squeeze in reply. 

It took about three months before the haze of grief wore off enough for them to have a coherent conversation about what to do next.  “Suzi,” Judd began one day, as they sat eating their dinner together quietly.  “I know we talked about moving… but this house is the only thing left.  It’s all we’ve got of the time we had him, and I don’t want to be anywhere else.  I want to walk past his room and remember him playing in there.  I’m asking you to really think about this.”

“I’ve already thought about it, Judd, and I can’t stay.”

“How about if we keep the house, but rent something else just for a little while?  Then… maybe you’ll feel okay about coming back here when enough time’s gone by.  We can just try it.  Please.”

Suzi knew it wasn’t quite fair for her to make demands that they deal with their shared grief in her way only, so she complied.  But after an entire year in a town house Judd rented for them, she was no more ready to go back to the big empty house on Walker Street than she was the day they drove away.

Judd resented her for it her unwillingness to go back, and she knew it.  But she felt unable to budge on the point.

By this time, Suzi had gone back to work, though asked to be transferred to the surgical floor.  The idea of coming across a victim of a bad car accident in the ER, particularly a child, was too much for her to risk.  So she immersed herself in learning a new area, getting to know new coworkers, and staying as busy as possible.

Judd finally finished his training as an engineer, and landed the position he had so coveted for years.  He threw himself into his own work with more gusto than before, and soon, Suzi began to feel her own resentment building up at his constant absence.

The erosion had officially begun. 


	4. Spiralling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzi ruminates over the end of hers and Judd's marriage... and ushers in an experience she can't explain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel this has been my most emotional chapter yet. I've felt energized the whole way through, which is odd, because it was another unhappy one. But somehow it feels like the undertow pulling me in before the wave crashes down and we have our bittersweet ending. It's not over yet! :)
> 
> The song this time is "Spiralling" by Keane.

Suzi felt hot tears on her cheeks as she held the little toy train to her heart.  She couldn’t even remember when crying had started, but now she embraced it, and began to weep openly. 

How long had it been since she’d allowed herself to be this bone sad? 

She had lost Ezra.  _They_ had lost Ezra.  The only child they were ever able to have.  If it hadn’t happened, would Judd have lost that few years to closet drinking?  Would he have emerged out the other side of it the tired and angry man he’d become?  Would anger over each and every little thing the last few years have clung to her heart like fly tape?  It could have all ended so differently if she’d just called and canceled that play date.  After all, how many women had she heard tell her about “mother’s instinct”, which had caused them to intercede on something that would have turned out disastrously for their children?  Why hadn’t she had it that day?  Was it because she had never been one of the truly great mothers? 

Suzi felt the wound that had taken so much time to heal and was now a scar be sliced back open with the knife that was the toy train.  The rain had stopped for now in the cemetery, but the ground was still wet, and she relished the discomfort of it that muted out the discomfort of her heart for a second as she lay down right there on her side.  Normally one to push back the pain, Suzi let it engulf her now.  She couldn’t hold it back any longer, and this time, it wasn’t just the pain of losing Ezra. 

It was the pain of losing Judd, and not just to death.  She had really lost him years before.  She had lost that love that had slowly and carefully woven itself into a beautiful tapestry from that first moment by the lake during the boat-race.  She had torn it apart with her bare hands in the end, five years ago.  They both had.  And now, Judd was gone… and she lay here holding what was left of the mess.

The cemetery was still quiet.  No one else was around, but Suzi knew it wouldn’t have mattered if they were.  She let the waves of pain crash over her as she sobbed into the wet grass. 

Perhaps it was because she hadn’t really slept since she’d seen Judd’s face plastered on the Breaking News screen on the TV at work a couple days ago… or perhaps it was because she was wearing herself out now since her emotional dam broke.  Either way, when Suzi’s tears were finally spent, she began to drift off.

The next few minutes felt so surreal to her that she hadn’t realized she had slipped into sleep.  All she knew was that she suddenly began to feel a warm, sweet sensation that swept over her entire body and wrapped her in a warm embrace.  Whatever this was coming from, she wanted to stay there, in it, forever. 

Her mind remained slightly confused as it was courted by the pinpricks of dreams. 

_Is this real?  Where am I, again?_

“Suzi,” she heard Judd’s voice close to her ear. 

“What?” she tried to form the word.  She wanted to be left alone, to continue to relish this peaceful feeling. 

“Suzi.”

His voice was persistent, and it annoyed her for a moment, but she followed it.  A second later, her eyelashes fluttered open.  “What Judd—“

She sat up quickly and looked around.  It took about five seconds for reality to settle in.  She was in the graveyard still, tired, soaking wet on one side from lying in the grass, and brokenhearted.  Judd was gone.  She had to have forgotten that for a second while she was asleep, because the sound of his voice hadn’t startled her in any way initially.  It was simply a voice she’d heard half her life.  But… Judd couldn’t have called her name…

Before Suzi let her mind linger on the small fountain of emotion that began to well in her heart as she thought about what just happened, she heard her phone vibrate in her purse.  The sound disoriented her for a moment, but she began to fumble for it, finally finding it.  It was a text from Frank.

_Went across the street for some coffee for us, then I’ll be back._

Suzi stared at the screen for a moment.  She wasn’t sure she was ready to go just yet, but Frank could be counted upon not to allow her to spiral down too deeply into her pain. 

Before locking the screen again, she glanced once more at the blinking voicemail icon in the corner.  It had been there since the AWVR office had attempted to phone her on that tragic day.  She hadn’t seen the missed call from them until after she’d had to learn about Judd’s death from the breakroom TV at work.  Little point in listening to the message now, as she assumed it was left when they had called to tell her what she already knew.  But somehow, she couldn’t delete it quite yet.

Suzi put the phone back into her bag.  There was one more item in the box she needed to look at before Frank came back for her.

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

Judd had shocked and humiliated Suzi by beating her to the punch.  She was served with divorce papers on her lunchbreak from the hospital, of all times, in front of about three colleagues.

For six years, they’d merely existed in the same house.  Judd was gone all the time, taking assignments even when he had steadily accrued a whole bank of paid vacation days.  Suzi knew his desire to be away from her at first stemmed from her refusal to move back into the house of Ezra’s babyhood.  But the way she saw it, if he couldn’t be considerate enough to understand how that would have destroyed her, then she in no way needed to meet him halfway. 

She kept up her own rigorous work schedule, and started taking yoga classes several times a week.  She made more girl friends than she’d made in all the years she and Judd had been married.  She had them over as often as possible, giving Judd the not-so-subtle message that he wasn’t missed when he was gone.

Judd did give up drinking after awhile, but made no secret of the fact that it was his job he was afraid of jeopardizing, not his marriage.  This amped up the anger within Suzi.

So she began spending.  She renovated the town house, bought lavish decorations, and told herself this wasn’t about revenge on Judd at all – it was about coming into her own and doing the things _she_ wanted to do.  He was out living his life, and she would too.

One night she found the name and number for “Carla” in his pants pocket while she was doing laundry.  She immediately set about questioning his buddies at the railroad, showing up discreetly when she knew he was out on a run, and found Carla Somerset was an AWVR employee who worked in the office.  From there, it didn’t take much pressing for one of them to reveal that she and Judd had spent at least one entire night together at a cheap motel. 

Anger boiled within Suzi as she took all of Judd’s things and moved them into the guest room.  It would be all too easy to tell him what she knew and kick him out.  She wanted to freeze the information out of him, to see if he would ever come forward and admit it.  She wanted him to suffer in a marriage that had lost all love, and let him try to figure out the reason why she was cutting him off.

After he came home to this, though, it didn’t quite go the way Suzi had planned.  She’d expected him to cower in shame.  Instead, he confronted her angrily.

“You were talking to people at work.  Frank told me, and he had the d*mn nerve to ask me what was going on.  Like it’s any of his business, or yours either.  Since when over the last forever do you care what I do, Suzi?”

“Since you’re running around on me like a dog in heat, Judd.  Since you made this about SEX, and the fact that you “have” to get it somewhere since you’re not getting it from me.  Out of everything else we’ve been through, THAT’S what finally made you turn to another woman?!  Smutty magazines couldn’t have been enough?!” she railed, eyes shining with rage.

“This wasn’t about that Suzi, d*mmit, this is about how you can’t stand the sight of me anymore.  It’s about how I come home from working my ass off and find YOU playing with all your toys with all your new little friends and acting like a sorority girl all over again!  It’s about not getting any respect!  So yeah, alright?  I had one night with Carla.  Be grateful _she’s_ the one who felt guilty about it and bailed, or we’d still be meeting up!”  He shouted back.

Suzi stormed over and slapped him in the face harder than she’d ever thought she could.  She went to do it again, and he grabbed her wrist.  “Don’t you ever do that to me again, do you hear me?” he growled through gritted teeth.

Shocked, Suzi jerked her hand back and grabbed the car keys and her coat. 

“Go on then!  Go over to Marsha’s house and tell her all over again what a jackass I am and how you wish you’d married a REAL man.  Go ahead!” he followed her outside. 

She did that very thing, staying over at her colleague Marsha’s house all night.  When she came home the next day, Judd was nowhere to be found.  She assumed he’d gone back out on a run.

…Until he didn’t come home the next day either.  Or the next.

Now, here were the papers stating why.

When Suzi got home from work, she began to pace back and forth, recklessly searching her head for what to do to release all the anger she was feeling.  She knew Judd was probably back out on the train and knew there was no way she could get at him right now.  Over the last six years, she’d felt plenty of anger – at life.  At God.  At Judd.  But the level of anger she felt now was enough to send her completely over the edge, and she knew it.

“I’ve got to calm down,” she kept whispering to herself over and over again.  It took a full hour of this and another half hour of the meditation she’d been learning at yoga to get her mind back in a safe place. 

Finally, she went into Judd’s bedroom and found a note.

_We’re both sick of each other and I’m done fighting.  I’ll get all my stuff later.  Staying at Frank and Alice’s.  Don’t call because the talking is over.  Goodbye, Suzi._

Next to the note sat Judd’s wedding ring. 

Taking a deep breath, Suzi went to get a few garbage bags.  The hell she would let him “get all his stuff later.”  She wasn’t giving him the satisfaction of thinking this was all going to happen according to _his_ timeline.  She had pride to maintain, and he didn’t just get to call all the shots.

She threw his stuff in the bags by the armful, not taking any care whatsoever to do so neatly.  When she was done, she hauled each and every bag out to her car by herself, and waited until the middle of the night to drive to Frank’s house.  When she was sure everyone there was asleep, she unloaded the bags onto his front porch. 

It was something she always regretted later.  Not for Judd, but for Frank and Alice.  They had truly gotten caught in the crossfire.  The couple had been close friends of hers and Judd’s, and Alice herself was a dignified woman.  Suzi had always considered herself to be dignified, too, until her anger at Judd and humiliation over his actions had completely unbridled her.  She was afraid for how they saw her after that.

The lawyers took care of the rest for them.  It was a long and painful process, with Suzi digging her heels in the entire way regarding the distribution of their estate.  Judd had been surprisingly willing to negotiate at every turn, likely out of guilt for the affair, she told herself, but Suzi was determined not to let him get off easily.  By the time it was over, their lives had been torn to shreds.

The house they’d still owned was sold to someone else.  Suzi kept the town house, and Judd moved into a small, cramped apartment.  She did what she could to annex Judd from every part of her life, keeping only a tiny box of things she still found she couldn’t get rid of, even after everything.

The last time Suzi saw Judd alive was in the grocery store parking lot, of all places, about six months before his death.  Having lived a life fueled on that same endless reserve of anger she’d been running on for years, she always expected to want to slap him again if she ever saw her ex-husband anywhere.  The town of Brewster was small, though – and she knew that day would doubtlessly come.

When it did, all the things she had rehearsed in her mind flew away on the brisk breeze.  Instead, she was surprised by the hollow longing she felt in her heart.

She’d stood watching him for almost five minutes while he loaded his car.  When he finally turned around and saw her standing there, just a few yards away, his eyebrows lifted a bit in surprise… but he didn’t speak.

Suzi knew she should turn and go, but she was glued to the spot.  Suddenly, she knew exactly what the very deepest part of her wanted to say, and it wasn’t at all what she’d spent the last few years thinking it would be.  But the fact was, her emotional filter was too strong by then, and she knew it was too late for the words that were fighting their way to the surface. 

The look on Judd’s face reaffirmed it.  It was both scary and comforting at the same time how he seemed to know what she wanted to say, yet also warned her not to say it, all in just one look.  His eyes were a mixture of sadness, discomfort and frustration at the meeting.  She could tell he was not the same man she had been married to.  Too much had happened – to both of them.

She’d lifted her hand to give a slight wave – the only thing that felt right at that point – and turned to get into her own car.

 

***********

 

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,_   
_My working week and my Sunday rest,_   
_My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;_   
_I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong._

_The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;_   
_Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;_   
_Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood._   
_For nothing now can ever come to any good._

_\--_ W.H. Auden


	5. Broken Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suzi puts the last item in the box, and tries to come to peace with it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is you guys. The end. I hope y'all have enjoyed reading about Suzi and Judd's love story as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
> 
> The song for this chapter is Broken Together by Casting Crowns.

Judd’s wedding band was the last thing for Suzi to place back into the box before she let it drop into the gaping hole that was to become the only grave he would ever have.  Just as she did so, she saw the funeral home men drive up.  They were coming back to bury her husband’s “remains,” and her work here was done.

She wanted to say something else, or do something else.  Something was missing – something felt unfinished.  But Suzi’s logic reminded her Judd was gone now… and there could be nothing else.

The loss she now felt was profound, and the anger she had used as a protective shield had turned out to be made of cardboard after all.

When Frank came back for her a few minutes later, he seemed to recognize a change.  She could tell from his expression that he noted the desperate, unfiltered pain in her eyes that had been so guarded before, but he was kind enough not to comment on it.

Frank had always been kind.  After the divorce had happened, he and Alice seemed to make no judgments whatsoever about the situation, simply lending their support to her and Judd separately.  Their mutual friends seemed to be just sad for them both, and Suzi knew that, with the Barnes’, the sentiment was genuine.

A year after the divorce was when Frank lost Alice to cancer.  Suzi forever regretted that she had been so wrapped up in her own pain that she hadn’t even realized that Alice was so sick.  If she could have done one thing over since then, she would have pushed past the pettiness of trying to avoid all the people she considered to be more Judd’s friends than hers and offered her time and care for Alice Barnes.  But, as with almost everything else in Suzi’s life, the realization had come too late.

Suzi rode home in Frank’s car with her forehead against the window, her eyes closed.  The grief she was experiencing was dizzying. 

“Suzi… I’m gonna be checking in,” he finally spoke for the first time.  “I’m worried about you being alone.”

For once, Suzi didn’t even try to put up a front.  She was worried about being alone, too. 

“This kind of thing, it’s… bad enough when you have no regrets.  Alice died right in the middle of a good life together for us.  Some would say that’s the worst kind of loss, but… me, I tend to think yours might be worse.  You and Judd didn’t end out so well.  And I know you must be feeling some kinda way about that.  Just know, it’s okay if you do.”

Fresh tears spilt down Suzi’s cheeks as she kept her eyes shut tightly against the world.

“… I know you didn’t want me to talk about this earlier.  And if you want to stop me now, it’s okay.”  Frank hesitated, in case she chose to stop him right there.  “But just so you know, Judd wasn’t ever the same guy after the divorce.  He turned a little cantankerous, a little bitter.  And I know it wasn’t just about losing your boy.  It was about losing you, too.” 

He turned down the road to her town house, and continued to speak in measured, even tones.  “What you said is right.  Judd cared entirely too much about the railroad.  It’s easy for guys like us to bury ourselves up to our eyeballs in our work, and push down things like pain and… not being able to measure up when it comes to some of the things that matter.  And Suzi, you mattered to him.  The guy was a friend for almost thirty years, if I knew anything about him, it was that—“

“Why did he try to stop that train, Frank?” the question spilled out as the back of Suzi’s throat was beginning to hurt from holding back yet another sob.  “Did they really ask him to?  Or was he just… that d*mn suicidal?”

Frank glanced over at her, seeming a bit surprised, yet moved at the same time.  “… You know, I don’t… know for sure, Suzi, but I think they asked him.  I wasn’t there, you know, I was out on my own run.  I know Galvin always has his mind on asking somebody else to jump in there and do his dirtiest work, but I don’t know if Judd offered to do it this time, or if he was picked.  Either way, you know the higher-ups and all their ways of cutting corners, even in an emergency.  I guess to them, if it didn’t work, Judd was replaceable enough.”  He gave a bitter chuckle.

Suzi finally released the sob, which choked her as she replied.  “He wasn’t replaceable to me.”

They rode in silence.  Frank reached over and took her hand companionably. 

When she was finally able to speak again, they had been sitting outside with the motor running for nearly fifteen minutes.  “… Can you believe they tried to call me to tell me this awful thing?  They didn’t realize I already knew.  But you would think there would have been the decency to send someone over personally.  Hell, I know we were divorced, but…” she trailed off.

Frank’s brow furrowed.  “They called you to try to tell you that?  Did you pick up?”

“I didn’t see the message until later.  My phone told me there was a two and a half minute voicemail from the office at AWVR, and I can only assume they were letting me know I could come pick up the charred remains of my ex-husband, although wait.”  Suzi let out an unceremonious, biting laugh.  “There weren’t any.”

Frank seemed to be distracted by something, staring off into the road for a moment.  “Suzi, when did they leave that message?”

“I told you, the morning—“

“No no, I mean what time exactly.”

Suzi peered over at him, not sure why this mattered, but she found herself fumbling for the phone in her purse again.  Taking it out, she found the voicemail icon.  “They left it at 9:02am.”

Frank looked over at her.  “I remember what time Judd died, Suzi.  I guess maybe you don’t, because everything’s kind of a blur for you right now, but… I know when I found out about it from Connie Hooper, it was just after ten thirty.”

It took a minute for Suzi to register this information.

“They weren’t calling you to tell you about Judd dying.  I think… maybe you ought to listen to that message before you just delete it.”

Something about Frank’s words caused her an odd sensation to skitter across her nerves.  “Who…?”

Frank kept eye contact with her.  “I don’t know.  Just listen to it.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

It was just before going to bed that night that Suzi took her phone back out and stared at it a long time.  She wasn’t sure what it was about Frank’s statement and the realization that the message couldn’t have been left regarding Judd’s death that had her feeling a mixture of emotions – fear, nervousness, and… hope?  Hope for what?

After taking a deep, shaky breath, she punched in the voicemail code, put the phone to her ear, and waited.

She heard nervous breathing that practically mirrored hers on the line before she finally heard his voice.  Suzi bit her lip hard.

“Hi Suzi.  It’s uh… it’s me.  I know there’s a chance you’ve blocked my number, so I decided I might have better luck if I called you from the phone at work.  And I’ve got some time before I head out because they’ve closed down the main line for some reason this morning, so…”

Suzi found herself pulling the covers snugly around her as she listened to Judd’s voice.  She closed her eyes and pretended that there was no phone between them.  Only him.

“You’ve been on my mind lately, a lot, so I wanted to call and just see how you were doing.  I was talking to one of the guys at work yesterday about things you can’t find anymore in stores, and believe it or not, I got to thinking about that Bubble Gum ice cream we used to get when we were dating, remember that..?  I think it was Baskin Robbins who made it?  The whole idea sounds God awful to me now.  Not sure I could ever stomach it again, but it sure enough brought back the memories.”

She heard him chuckle.

“Sorry I’m kind of rambling here, but I guess… I got to thinking about calling to tell you I’ve thought a lot about Ezra, too.  Especially this morning.”

He’d taken another deep breath.

 “A new conductor started on 1206 with Frank:  a Colson, and I, uh… gotta admit, I wasn’t too nice to him.  It’s been bugging me anyway how many older guys they’re letting go and how many kids they’re bringing on over here, but something today just got to me about that guy walking up to us like a cocky little son of a b*tch.  Well, and I mean, maybe he wasn’t really even all that cocky.  I don’t know, when I really think about why this one pissed me off so much, I was thinking how, if anybody ought to be rising up to take my place, it ought to have been Ezra.  You know in just a few years, he’d maybe have been coming into work with me.  Getting signed on at AWVR himself, maybe even starting out as a conductor.  That’s how a lot of guys get started now.  Anyway, life isn’t fair and we know that, but I guess because the past has been on my mind so much lately, that kid coming in here today just really set me on edge.”

Suzi pressed her other hand tightly over her mouth as the hot tears she swore she was out of began to fall afresh.

She heard Judd chuckle again though, a sound which helped lighten her heart.  “But I gotta tell you, he gave the grief right back to me.  Kinda how Ezra probably would have.  You know, with my temper and yours both, he would’ve been a life wire by now.  Keeping us on our toes, that’s for sure.  Anyway, I’m glad he’s working with Frank, I don’t have the patience anymore to deal with these kids coming on.”

At this point, Suzi began to notice a subtle increase in the ambiance behind Judd’s voice.  Other muffled voices were talking excitedly from somewhere in the background of the call, and she was hearing doors opening and closing.  Her brow furrowed as she clung to her focus on his words.

“Listen, Suzi, I… know I was a jerk toward the end.  I think after everything happened it just sucked the life right out of me.  I know it did the same thing to you.  But it’s been awhile now, and… I can safely say, after I left home, it only got worse.  Now, there’s just nothing left for me, it doesn’t feel like.  Nothing but railroad, and that used to be enough.  But you know, now I’m starting to think… maybe that’s not enough either.  And I know it’s asking a lot, but I figure it sure can’t hurt to just try again to see if you might want to talk sometime.  Go get something to eat, I mean even if it’s just as friends.  It doesn’t ever have to be like it used to be.  I hear A&W still has a mean Coke float.”

Suzi found herself letting out a chuckle, in spite of the tears.

 “… ‘Cause I’ve decided I’m going to see if I can go ahead and retire early.  It was a nice long run with the railroad.  They’ve been good to me here, and I know I have a lot of years ahead of me I could still stay on with the company if I make it that long without getting sh*t-canned, but… I don’t know, I think really what I’d rather do is just sit back awhile.  Lay low, maybe spend some time with you.  They can have this job, there’s plenty of guys who want it.  So I’m gonna talk to them today about it—“

He paused, and Suzi opened her eyes.  She heard one particular muffled voice grow louder and closer, obviously telling Judd something.

“Okay, well I gotta go, boss just told me that punk up at corporate, Galvin, has a job for me.  There’s been a lot of noise outside the office, something’s going on and I guess I need to find out what.  Thanks for… just listening to this, if you made it this far.  Maybe I’ll hear back from you, maybe I won’t, but either way, just know that I…”

She heard him paused again.

“…Well I think you know.  Bye Suzi.”

The message ended.  Suzi let the phone slide out of her hand, tuning out the operator prompts to save it, delete it, forward it... 

“Judd, no.  You shouldn’t…” her throat was burning, but she pressed on, as though telling him this now could actually have changed something that happened days ago.  “You shouldn’t have gone.  You should have left right then and come home.  Come home to me, please.  You have to, I can’t do this…”

That’s when Suzi felt the floodgates fully open, even worse than before in the graveyard, and engulf her, sucking her down into a haze of grief.

It lasted for hours.  Or was it days she stayed in bed sleeping, and not daring to move when she was awake for fear of shattering into pieces?  It was like losing Ezra all over again, only worse in a way, because this time she was alone. 

Most of the time.  Other times, she felt someone was with her, only she wasn’t sure who or how. 

But there were the dreams.  Chaotic, nonsensical dreams that caused her head to throb.  Until the last dream came that offered refuge from the storm in her heart.

She was sitting by the lake in North Brewster, wearing jeans and a white top that looked and felt so familiar.  John Mellencamp was playing from somewhere, and she was keenly aware of the fact that she was waiting on someone.

That’s why she wasn’t at all surprised when she felt him sit down beside her. 

They didn’t speak at first.  She just wanted to sit still, at her favorite place on earth, and feel his presence.

“Ezra’s even more beautiful than I remembered him being.”  She felt Judd take her hand.  “When it’s your turn, you know we’ll be here.  We can show him the boats together.”

Suzi finally tried to turn to look at him, but by then he wasn’t there.  The lake wasn’t either.  The music stopped, and the breeze was no longer blowing.  But another voice had started now.

“Suzi?  Suzi, wake up.  Wake up, do you have any idea how scared out of my head I was?”

She opened her eyes and saw Frank’s face as he leaned over her.  “I had to practically kick the door in.  God, Suzi, what were you thinking?  I shoulda never left you here by yourself.”

She blinked a few times as he came into full focus.  “Frank?” she surprised herself at the strength in her own voice.

“Yeah?”  Frank kneeled down next to the bed and took her hand.

Suzi smiled, feeling so much appreciation and fondness for her friend and what he had gone through to take care of her – not just for her sake, but for Judd’s.  Because he was right.  Judd wouldn’t have had it any other way, and she knew that now.

“How about we go down to the lake?  I want to tell you a story about something that happened a long time ago.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

**_One month later…_ **

“I dunno, she’s just… different.”  Frank grinned.  “I never really knew I could feel that way again for anybody after Alice, you know?  But Connie, she’s… she’s something.  And it’s pretty amazing she’d agree to let an old goat like me into her life when she’s got the pick of the whole AWVR joint.”

Suzi laughed as she got out of Frank’s car.  “Oh come on Frank, you’re hardly anybody’s old goat.  What about all this stuff that tells us forty is the new twenty?  And fifty… well, would be the new thirty then.”

“Oh no.  Wouldn’t go back to thirty if you paid me.  Been there, got that over with,” he smirked, taking some boxes out of his car before stopping to look up at the apartment building they stood in front of.  He turned back to her, giving her a kind smile.  “So you sure you’re ready to do this?”

Suzi took a deep breath and nodded.  “Yes.  I am.”

Frank had the key to Judd’s apartment.  She followed him up some stairs and down a few open-air hallways, pausing for him to unlock the door to number forty-seven.  Tentatively, she stepped inside as he opened the door for her.  Looking around at all Judd’s things made her chest feel tight for a few moments, as she was afraid it might.  But this time, Suzi allowed the feelings to come.

She knew it would be hard for a while.  She would cry herself to sleep for many nights to come.  But somehow Suzi knew that grieving Judd was the last gift she could give to him.  She had been such a proud woman for so many years, and if she could go back, she would have been more humble.  More willing to work harder on her marriage when it began to fall apart.  But it was a waste of time to think of such things now.  For the time she had left, she would love the memory of her husband, savor the bittersweet moments of their marriage, and be ever grateful that they had the time they had together.

And that – in the end – she had his heart.

“Alright, you start in the bedroom there, and I’ll start here in the living room.  Come get me if you need me, okay?” Frank gave her a concerned look.

“I will.  I promise, Frank.”

“I figure when we’re done, we’ll have about an hour or so to kill before meeting Connie for dinner.  You’re not gonna bail on us, now, are you?”

“No, I’ll be too hungry by then,” Suzi chuckled.  She took a box and made her way into Judd’s room.

The first thing she noticed was a picture of the two of them on his dresser.  She recognized it as the one they had taken themselves with an old Polaroid during the year they dated.  Judd was grinning smugly at the camera as he held his free arm protectively around Suzi’s shoulders.  She had been laughing about how out of focus she’d known the picture would end up being.

And it was.  But that made it even more of a beautiful memory.

Suzi smiled and looked toward the window. 

“I love you, Judd Stewart.”

But she realized he already knew that.

Opening a drawer, Suzi began to carefully fold up his flannel shirts.


End file.
